November 2018 brought on some new challenges, as had been the case for quite a while now. Things were settling in at home and life was looking up. I'd started really becoming comfortable with myself and the world around me. I was ready to face new challenges and was working hard to accomplish my goals. Dan and I had planned at this point to pretty much make a trip to New York every month, with the exception of during mud season (late March through early June) in hopes to finish our 46 on Dan's 46th birthday in January 2020. We were making progress and determined to do our best to make it happen.
Around the beginning of November, Dan had made a trip up Old Rag and tweaked his back along the way. He wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do the New York trip that month, but said he'd wait and see. As the days got closer, it was clear he wasn't going to be able to make, and that's when the breakdown began. I had not made a solo trip up north yet, much less one on the brink of winter. I had set a goal and wanted to stick to it, but was terrified of going alone. I went back and forth over what I was going to do and finally I decided to go.
Laura basically pushed me out the door trying to encourage me to go, but I was scared. I didn't want to let Dan down by going and climbing without him, I didn't want to let myself down by skipping because of fear, I didn't want to do anything that might result in a negative consequence, so up the road I went. Along the way I figured I'd just head to New Hampshire and check out Mount Washington, that scared me too as I know how dangerous the mountain can be. Fortunately, about halfway there I noticed the weather wasn't looking so good, so I decided to divert to New York. I arrived in Lake Placid in the early morning hours and started to gear up. I was going to go for a happy medium and make an attempt on Mount Marcy. I'd climbed it twice already so I was comfortable with the route, and it wasn't one off the list so as not to climb without Dan.
I made my way in around 6am, it was still dark and about 8 inches of snow had fallen overnight. For some stupid reason I did not put on my snowshoes, and decided post holing through the snow would be more beneficial. By the time I reached Marcy Dam I was sweating, cold, tired, and beginning to have that paralyzing fear overtake me again. I noticed a sign about bear activity and that was it. Now hear me out, I have little fear of bears, I deal with them quite often here at home in Shenandoah National Park. I know they aren't out to get me, and I know how to scare them off. It wasn't the bears that scared me, it was me. That voice inside my head that says I can't wasn't whispering this day, it was screaming, in to a megaphone, and it worked.
I quickly turned around and headed back to the car. Terrified, shaking, ashamed, as I passed hikers on the way out I could only imagine what they were thinking of someone heading out as fast as I was at 7am. I got back to the car and texted Laura, "I bailed". She couldn't grasp why, I gave her every excuse "wore too many clothes" "sweating" "cold" "too much snow", but kept the truth hidden, I was scared and had lost this battle with myself.
I undressed and changed in to some dry clothes, I got in the car and did what any person would do in this moment, I cried. Here I was, 3 years in to this sobriety thing, 3 years of fighting every day to overcome, and yet I was in the same place I felt I'd always been. Alone, scared, and not understood. I beat myself up pretty hard over the next few hours. I was really sad and disappointed in myself. I covered up the pain and emotion by saying to other people "I made the right choice, it's better to stay safe" but that wasn't it. I had failed to face my fears, I had crippled and crawled away, and now I was heading back home, bruised and beaten, to come back and try to fight another day.
That day would come a few weeks later, but for now I felt I had regressed for the first time in a long time, but I was still confident I could overcome. I went back home and hit the gym, got in better shape, got motivated to never allow this to happen again, but what I failed to do was be honest about the truth of what happened that day in the woods.
